-Ally, can we get a r ecap? -You r emember the Kowolskis?
They've owned this shop 30 years and ar e attempting a r ecord
by making Buff alo's largest cookie.
-And you have to wear this. -A hairnet?
Health Department.
lf you'r e working around the cookie, you have to have it.
l just did the hair. The hair is perf ect.
All right, give it to me.
God, why do you hate me?
We'r e rolling. And speed.
For thr ee decades, the Kowolski Family Bakery
has been a mainstay in downtown Buff alo,
known f or their sinf ully sweet cr eam-filled Polski pierogies
and the occasional sugar-induced coma that f ollows.
But today in honor of their 30th anniversary,
they've invited us to ride along as they go f or the r ecord
on Buff alo's biggest cookie.
Vol. Vol.
Do you need a tissue or something?
Can we get Vol a tissue? Or a spoon?
lt's a good thing we'r e wearing these
because l wouldn't want stray hairs to f all into the booger.
-Ar e we gonna do this again? -No, we can cut to B-roll.
Moving on!
So, tell me, Mama, why make Buff alo's biggest cookie?
Well, man f rom Health Department
say he find rat pellet in our pastry,
but l say no.
ls big chocolate sprinkle.
But he shut stor e down.
So we clean up,
make big cookie f or to bring customers back.
Well, l admir e your candor.
Let's try that again, shall we?
So, tell me, Mama, why make Buff alo's biggest cookie?
So the childr en of the neighborhood will be happy?
That's right.
lt must be wonderf ul seeing the smiles on their little f aces.
l work in back. l see no smiles.
The pr evious Buff alo r ecord was 8 f eet, 7 inches,
baked by Gladys Pelznik.
lf this cookie beats Gladys', it will prove
that the Kowolskis have much mor e f r ee time.
And the cookie is 10 f eet, 4 inches!
We have a new r ecord!
Cue the cheesy inspirational music!
But what ar e we r eally looking at her e?
ls it just a big cookie?
Or does this cookie r epr esent the pride of Buff alo?
lts dedicated and hardworking citizens, the key ingr edient,
with a f ew nuts thrown in,
and finally, the love of our f amilies,
which provides the warm, chewy center,
making our beloved Buff alo the sweetest place to live.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
l'm Bruce Nolan, "Eyewitness News."
And cut it.
So, what do you think?
l think it's r eally good.
lt sucks. lt's a story about a cookie.
The Pillsbury Doughboy will be riveted.
lt was f unny. Ther e's nothing wrong with making people laugh.
l'll never be an anchorman. Not with this.
The job's ther e, but l can't r each it
because every time they make me do this,
l have to act like a total goof to make it work.
l have no cr edibility.
Not good. Not good.
-Now you'r e just sounding silly. -Forget it.
lt's not important, right? Let's watch it one mor e time.
-Oh, no. -Just once mor e. Please.
No! You promised you would help me with this photo album.
You get your goofy butt over her e!
Okay, all right, now you just go through this stack,
and you pick your f avorites.
Oh, come on.
This is f un, right? lsn't this f un?
This is nice.
Evan's gonna get that anchor job. l know it.
He's the f avorite.
Just f orget it. Let's f orget it.
This is just our lif e.
We can always just have some kid do it f or us.
Whoa, hold the phone.
l like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
That's supposed to be in our private stash.
You look perky. lt must have been cold.
l'll put this on my computer and use it as wallpaper.
Give it to me! Come on!
No, no, no.
Fine. Do with it what you will.
l don't car e.
l will do with it what l will.
You know, l might even send this into "Playboy."
l hear their layouts can be quite tastef ul.
Give that to me! Right now!
-Ow, rough stuff. -l'm gonna hurt you!
Sweetie, time to get up.
Good dr eam.
No. No.
Well, the Buff alo Sabr es lost again last night
at the hands of the Toronto Maple Leaf s...
Of course they did. They'r e my team.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Ther e might be something to this cookie line.
All the gr eatest anchors have had their own sign-off.
Like Walter Cronkite.
And that's the way it was.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, l like it.
Oh, no. Grace, the dog!
l'm in the shower!
Sam. Bad dog.
lnside bad. Outside good. lnside bad. Outside good.
Oh, you'r e done now.
Gr eat.
B-E-A-utif ul.
Come on.
Let's go back inside and have a shit.
What is the dillio?
We ar e having a blood drive.
Cr eepy. Needles. Yuk.
Well, they need my blood.
l have a very rar e blood type. l'm A.B. positive.
Really?
l'm l.B. positive.
l be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.
lt's just so...
Helpf ul and lif esaving.
No, it's your blood.
Blood's supposed to stay inside the body.
Besides, they stockpile this in a war ehouse.
lt's f rozen. They tell everybody ther e's a shortage.
That is not true. Wher e did you hear that?
From a r eliable f riend of a f riend of a girl
whose sister's going out with someone in the government.
For your own protection, l cannot discuss it.
Get out bef or e they see us together.
Oh, her e. Hold on a second.
You need these mor e than l do.
What is "these"?
Prayer beads. The kids made 'em f or me.
They will keep you saf e.
l hope they'r e powerf ul.
l'm gonna need a f rigging miracle to get to work on time.
Hey, let's go!
This isn't happening. Not now.
Not during Sweeps Week.
Not during Sweeps Week!
Oh, God.
Yep, yep, meeting started. Without me.
This is my luck.
This is my luck!
Come on, come on. Shit.
Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Jesus.
Get out!
"Ar e you blind"?
No, but l'm late.
ls your child in dir e jeopardy?
Find out tonight after the game.
Okay, promos ar e approved.
Jack.
Shouldn't we be f ocusing on Pete's r etir ement?
This is his last week.
Any word on the anchor position?
Evan, when l know something, you'll know something.
Sorry l'm late.
Traffic was...
-Did you alr eady play the spots? -lt's a nice story.
But we'r e gonna go with Evan's piece,
the sex scandal in the mayor's office, f or Sweeps.
Oh, yeah.
Sweeps.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
l'm just messing with you, Bruce.
See, you just gotta r emember
that the newsroom is like a big cookie.
-Do you like jazz, Evan? -Yeah.
Let me play something f or you.
l can hold that note all day, buddy.
Knock it off, guys.
Bruce, we'r e gonna keep your story in r eserve.
Now can we get back to the board
so we'll have something to put on the air today?
Gr eat choice, Jack. This is the Cadillac of bolognas.
Okay, thanks.
Jack, can l talk to you f or a second?
-Sur e, what do you need? -Sweeps.
Jack, hear me out her e. l'm starting to get desperate.
l'm pushing 40, and what have l got to show f or it?
l've hit some kind of ceiling.
Ther e's an anti-Bruce barrier l can't get past.
And Evan is loving it, by the way. Loving it.
He gets the stories. He gets on Sweeps.
Maybe l should be mor e like Evan.
You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.
-l can be an asshole. -No, Bruce, you can't.
-You gonna pick that up? -Yeah, l'm sorry.
lt's just this anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.
-Hi, Susan. -Hi, Susan.
Hi, Jack.
Look, you'r e a good r eporter. You make people laugh.
All right. l'll tell you what.
Today is the 156th anniversary of the "Maid of the Mist."
l want you at Niagara Falls.
The "Maid of the Mist." That's always live.
But Evan always does the live f eeds.
Now you and Evan get the live f eeds.
l'm going live?
During Sweeps?
But watch your step. l've seen your outtakes.
You will not r egr et this.
And l won't f orget you when l go national.
Can you...
Thanks, pal.
Can l have your wish now?
l'm gonna put it in the wish jar. Thank you.
Okay, put your wish in.
-Me too! -Put your wish in ther e.
Look at that! Looks like a big wish.
Oh, no, Martin, don't. Don't eat that.
Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey.
That must have tasted awf ul.
Mommy!
Zoe-ba-bowie.
Did you have a good time with Aunt Gracie?
Yeah? See how nice this is. Baby on the hip.
Oh, it's amazing. You've become Mom.
The transf ormation is complete.
l'll get it.
Small Wonders Day Car e.
No, it's Debbie, the sister whose lif e you'r e not wasting.
Okay, okay.
-Hi, Debbie. -Whoops. Hi. Hi!
Sorry, Debbie f orgot to take her meds today.
Wher e ar e ya?
Oh, a little place called the winner's circle.
l'm at the f alls doing a live r eport.
Live? That's gr eat!
Yeah! lt's happening.
l got Sweeps, and l'm live.
They'r e seeing if l can think on my f eet.
Like l might do in a live anchor situation.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah! This is what we've always talked about.
Jack practically came out and told me.
Practically?
Well, he didn't spell it out, but legally he can't.
This is what happened to Susan Ortega
bef or e they bumped her up to the desk.
lt's good. lt's good. lt's good.
Okay, well, honey,
l just don't want you to get too ahead of yourself.
l gotta go. They'r e calling me in.
Okay, good luck. l love you.
Love, love, love, love, love, love.
Let's do it.
They want you close to the f alls.
Really? l'm gonna get soaked.
That's the point. They want you to put this on.
Part of the condition of us getting the ex clusive.
You know what? Nothing can bother me today.
Nothing.
Okay, now, r emember, it's their 156-year anniversary.
-149 capacity. -Right.
They cater to tourists, honeymooners...
And people who ar e insanely thirsty. l get it.
You ar e gonna be interviewing lr ene Dansfield.
Pleasur e to meet you. Truly.
You look beautif ul.
lr ene's mother rode on the maiden voyage.
-90 seconds! -90 seconds. Holy hell.
Yeah. Okay.
90 seconds.
But because of the f ast r esponse,
the toxic chemicals wer e cleaned up without incident.
Bruce Nolan is standing by at Niagara Falls.
But bef or e we go live to Bruce, we have an announcement.
As everyone knows, after 33 years,
our beloved Pete Fineman is r etiring.
Pete's shoes ar e virtually impossible to fill,
but the show must go on.
And we could think of no one better than our very own
Evan Baxter.
Oh, boy.
Congratulations.
Thanks. l'm thrilled and honor ed.
As you said, no one can r eplace the gr eat Pete Fineman.
But l will do my best.
l have to say l am so proud to be a part
of our community of Buff alo.
And l think in a lot of ways,
a gr eat city is like a gr eat r ecipe, r eally.
You take hardworking citizens, add some car egivers,
maybe a f ew nuts.
All sprinkled with the love and support of our good f amilies.
Ultimately, that makes one sweet place to live.
-That was amazing. -l meant it.
l wish l'd written something.
Now let's go live to that wacky Bruce Nolan at Niagara Falls.
Hey, wacky Bruce!
Talk, Bruce. Hello?
Talk, honey. Talk.
-We got a Walt Disney. -He's f rozen.
He may not have audio. Check the f eed.
We may be having technical difficulty.
-Feed's good, Jack. -Come on, come on.
Go on, talk, Bruce, damn it!
All right, get r eady to pull the plug.
Oh, come on, baby, say something.
Bruce, talk.
-Hi, Susan. -Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce Nolan her e aboard the "Maid of the Mist"
in f abulous Niagara Falls, New York.
First off,
let me just add congratulations to Evan Backstabber.
Pardon me. Bastard. Bax-ter, rather.
lt is good to see what someone with talent can do
when gr eat opportunities ar e given to them instead of me.
Anyway, l'm her e with Katharine Hepburn's mom.
Why did you throw the "Heart of the Ocean" jewel
over the railing of the "Titanic"?
Did you f eel bad letting Leo DiCaprio drown
while you wer e saf e floating on the big door?
Could you have taken turns,
or wer e you just too af raid to f r eeze your big, f at ass off?
l guess that's how lif e is, isn't it?
Some people ar e dr enched, f r eezing to death
on a stupid boat with a stupid hat
while others ar e in a comfy news studio,
sucking up the glory.
Oh, well. No big deal.
Oh, boy.
Oh! lt's the owner of the "Maid of the Mist."
Let's have a talk with him. Come on, Bill.
No, no, no. Let's have a talk.
Come on! What ar e you doing?
Bill, you've been running the "Maid of Mist" f or 23 years.
Why do you think l didn't get the job?
l don't want any problems.
ls it my hair? Ar e my teeth not white enough?
Or like the gr eat f alls,
is the bedrock of my lif e eroding beneath me?
Eroding.
Eroding. Eroding. Eroding.
Cut the f eed.
-Turn it black. -l'm on it.
l'm Bruce Nolan f or "Eyewitness News."
Back to you, f uckers.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God.
That is perf ect.
That is the motivation that l needed!
Right ther e!
Thank you.
Thank you, W-K-B-W.
Wimpy Kiddie Baby Whiners!
That's what that stands f or!
l'll see you on Channel 5, wher e they do the r eal news.
Ar e we blind?
Do l look blind to you? Do l look blind to you?
Let's go, man. Come on, let's go.
What ar e you doing over ther e?
Come on, leave the poor guy alone!
You okay, man?
Yeah, you better keep walking.
What?
Run, man!
Run!
Oh, God!
Okay, okay, okay. l didn't mean it.
l was just kidding.
Hey, you f orgot your things.
Say something now! Say something.
B-E-A...
...utif ul.
That's what l get.
That's what l get f or trying to help someone.
Oh, don't look at me, Walter.
Oh, no!
Well, that's my payment, l guess.
That is my r eward.
Just?
Just get a clue!
Well, thank God you'r e all right.
God. Yeah, let's thank God, shall we?
For his blessings ar e raining down upon me.
Wait, that's not rain!
Please don't do that.
You know that everything happens f or a r eason.
That l don't need. That is a cliché.
That is not helpf ul.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
l have no bird, no bush!
God has taken my bird and my bush.
So God is picking on you? ls that what you'r e saying?
No! He's ignoring me completely.
He's too busy giving Evan everything he wants.
Oh, that's gr eat.
You missed your target. l'm over her e!
Don't get mad at the dog. lt's not the dog's f ault.
No, it's God's f ault.
l gave him the wrong coordinates.
Enough! Would you stop being such a martyr?
l am not being a martyr! l'm a victim.
God is a mean kid on a anthill with a magnifying glass,
and l'm the ant.
He could fix my lif e in five minutes,
but he'd rather burn off my f eelers and watch me squirm.
l know you'r e mad. lt's understandable.
What Evan did is slimy and wrong.
But this day could have been so much worse.
l'm just glad you'r e okay.
Okay? News flash!
l'm not okay!
l'm not okay with a mediocr e job, a mediocr e apartment.
l'm not okay with a mediocr e lif e!
So, is that what you think that we have?
A mediocr e lif e?
Don't make this about you.
About me? How could l make this about me?
lt's about you! lt's always about you.
Perf ect. Perf ect.
l'll have the worst day of my lif e
with a side order of guilt, please!
Okay, God.
You want me to talk to you?
Then talk back.
Tell me what's going on. What should l do?
Give me a signal.
l need your guidance, Lord.
Please, send me a sign!
Oh, what's this joker doing now?
Okay, all right, l'll try it your way.
All right.
Lord, l need a miracle.
l'm desperate.
l need your help, Lord.
Please, r each into my lif e.
What the...
Wher e ar e ya?
l got ya!
Fine!
The gloves ar e off, pal!
Come on, let me see a little wrath.
Smite me, oh, mighty smiter!
You'r e the one who should be fir ed!
The only one around her e not doing his job is you!
Answer me!
Sorry. Don't know ya.
Wouldn't call you if l did.
Oh, God.
Hello, 555-0123.
Oh, no!
Sam, this has gotta stop!
All right, get it straight.
That's the house. This is the bathroom.
House! Bathroom! Bathroom! House!
What's the point?
555-0123.
Denied that promotion at work? ls lif e unf air?
ls ther e someone less talented r eaping all the benefits?
ls your name Bruce?
Then do we have the job f or you!
We'r e located at 77256 23rd Str eet.
So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you.
Omni Pr esents.
Oh, yeah.
The glass is half-f ull.
Jeez!
Come on! Look! What is that?
Ah, jeez.
Thank you. Thank you again.
What the...
You'r e looking f or Room 7.
Yeah, l figur ed.
You want me to even those up f or you?
How do l get to Room 7?
That would be on the 7th floor. Stairs over ther e.
l'd rather take the elevator.
-Out of order. -l love the stairs, though.
They wer e my second choice.
Do you mind giving me a hand with this floor?
What? That's good.
Ar e you serious?
Oh, l'm kinda busy.
Rain check.
l'll hold you to it.
l'm f r ee on the 7th at 7 :00!
7th at 7 :00 it is.
This looks promising.
Hello?
Another hugantic, ginormic waste of my lif e.
Hello?
Yo, l'm looking f or whoever runs this joint.
Be right with you. l'm trying to fix a light.
Tell me if it's working.
Yeah. Seems to be. Kind of bright, though.
Yeah. lt is f or most people.
Spend their lives in the dark, trying to hide f rom me.
Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?
Yeah, but l'll get around to it.
You install the clapper?
No, but catchy jingle, isn't it?
Clap on, clap off
Clap on, clap off, the clapper
Just can't get it out of my head, yeah.
Well, good luck with that.
l'm gonna go now.
Okay.
But the boss will be right out.
You must be Bruce.
l've been expecting you.
This is hilarious.
You'r e the boss, electrician, and janitor?
Must be a killer Christmas party.
Don't get drunk. One of you might need a ride home.
You always wer e f unny, Bruce. Just like your f ather.
He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves, either.
People under estimate the benefit of manual labor.
Ther e's f r eedom in it.
Some of the happiest people
go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
All right, what is this?
How do you know my f ather, and how did you get my pager number?
l know quite a lot about you, Bruce.
Just about everything ther e is to know.
Everything you've ever said or done or thought about doing.
Right ther e in that file cabinet.
Wow, a whole drawer just f or me.
Yeah.
Mind if l take a look?
lt's your lif e.
This ought to be good.
Now, this last entry was a little disturbing.
"The gloves ar e off, God.
God has taken my bird and my bush.
God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.
Smite me, oh, mighty smiter."
Now, l'm not much f or blaspheming,
but that last one made me laugh.
Ar e you spying on me?
Who ar e you?
-l'm the one. -Huh?
Cr eator of the heavens and Earth. Alpha and omega.
Oh, l see wher e this is going.
l'm God.
Bingo! Yahtzee! ls that your final answer?
Our survey says, "God."
Ding, ding, ding.
Well, it was nice to meet you, God.
Thank you f or the Grand Canyon,
and good luck with the apocalypse.
Oh, and by the way, you suck!
You know what would have been mor e impr essive?
lf you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.
Anybody with a brain stem can tell that that drawer
is being f ed through the wall f rom the other side.
All you have to do is find the cr ease right around her e.
Ther e is a seam her e.
Or a hollow spot.
Wher e?
Through the drywall and concr ete?
Okay, that is a good one.
That is a good one!
How many fingers am l holding up?
Now, Bruce, thou shalt not tempt the Lord.
-lf you can't, that's cool. -Thr ee. Two.
Four. Nine.
Six. Eight. One.
Okay.
How many now?
Seven.
How?
You've been doing a lot of complaining about me.
-Quite f rankly, l'm tir ed of it. -Don't come near me.
When l'm backed into a corner, l'm an animal.
l don't want to hurt you.
You haven't won a fight since Grade 5,
and that was against a girl.
Yeah, but she was huge. She'd been held back.
And the sun was in your eyes.
Oh, the ego.
Anyway, l brought you her e to off er you a job.
Job? What job?
My job.
You think you can do it better, so her e's your chance.
When you leave this building,
you will be endowed with all my powers.
Sur e, whatever you say, pal.
Okay, that did not happen.
And no one needs to hear about it.
l'm deleting the program. Dee-dee-dip.
Nah. No.
l'm having a br eakdown.
Normal psychotic episode caused by a tumor or brain lesion.
Come on, start!
That was lucky.
Come on, man. Calm down.
You did not meet God. You do not have his powers.
lf that was God, then l'm Clint Eastwood.
Holy hell!
Be car ef ul what you wish f or, punk.
No!
Nope, nope.
l am a r easonable, sane human being.
with a .44 magnum, the most powerf ul handgun in the...
l'm not Clint Eastwood. l'm Bruce Nolan.
l'm Bruce No...lan.
lt's not r eal. lt's not r eal.
-Coff ee? -Yeah. Coff ee, yeah.
We have a special on soup today.
No. That's fine. No, thank you.
lt's tomato. l made it myself.
Okay.
Ex cuse me. l need a spoo--
lt's okay. l f ound one.
Her e's your soup.
Oh, soup. Right.
Yeah. Right.
Having f un?
Thy... Thou...
Come. Take a closer walk with me.
Let me explain the rules.
Rules?
Yeah, you left in such a rush
l didn't get a chance to explain.
Two extra fingers f r eaked me out a little bit.
l just figur ed l'd get your attention.
l did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat f or thr ee weeks.
Anyway, her e's the deal.
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
Ther e ar e only two rules.
You can't tell anybody you'r e God.
You don't want that kind of attention.
And you can't mess with f r ee will.
Can l ask why?
Yes, you can!
That's the beauty of it!
This is amazing!
Ah, speaking of amazing. Ex cuse me.
Holy sh--
Cow.
Since you'r e through with these, l'll keep them.
Might come in handy someday.
See you around, kid.
-Wher e ar e you going? -l'm taking a vacation.
God doesn't take vacations. Does he?
Do ye?
Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages?
Besides, l'm cover ed.
You can clear everything up in 5 minutes if you want to.
Right?
l've got the power
And he saw that it was good!
B-E-A-utif ul.
Hey, check it out. Check it out.
Hey, check it out!
Oh, look. lt's the hero. What's up?
Yo, br ethr en, what up with thee?
Blessings on your alley.
Looking f or another can of whoop ass?
You didn't get enough?
He wants some mor e!
Sur ely, l say unto you dudes, l do not wish to fight.
As soon as you apologize and make a f ull r eckoning,
l shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness.
What ar e you talking about, man?
Man, you talk kind of f unny.
l don't know if you lost it up in her e, but check this out.
You want me and the homies to apologize, right?
Cool. l'll tell you what.
We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out my butt.
How about that?
What a coincidence, because that's today.
Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
This is some voodoo shit, man!
Ar e you guys leaving?
Hey, don't f orget your parting gifts.
Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey.
Time f or you to go home, little buddy.
No!
l am Bruce Almighty!
My will be done!
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on a bus
Trying to make his way
Ho-o-o-me?
Oh, my God.
You can call me Bruce.
What happened to you? You seem so...
Happy.
Why shouldn't l be on a night like this?
Those ar e amazing.
What ar e these?
They'r e a new br eed.
A cross-pollination between tulips and daisies.
l call them tudaisies.
Okay.
Honey, these flowers ar e r eally beautif ul, but last night...
Last night l was only human.
Barry, help me out her e.
Oh, baby.
Girl, l'll do
Forever and ever
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
l'll see you through
Make love to you right now
That's all l want to do
'Cause l found what the world is searching for
For someone just like you
To make me feel the way you do
Never, never gonna give you up
l'm never, ever gonna stop
Not the way l feel about you
Girl, l just can't live without you
Honey, hi. Wow.
l've never seen the moon that big.
-Yeah. -Oh, baby.
We r eally shouldn't waste it.
Keep on
Keep on doing it
Bedroom?
Five minutes.
Let ther e be light.
l'll be out in a minute.
Don't rush yourself.
Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasur e.
lt's a f unny thing about pleasur e.
lt can be quite pleasurable!
Pleasurable, pleasurable.
Oh, God!
Oh, good God!
Pleasurable, pleasur--
ln international news,
Japanese r elief workers ar e staging a desperate eff ort
to r escue hundr eds of people stranded by a f r eak tidal wave
that hit Kitamoto City.
Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused
by what they'r e describing as unusual lunar activity.
Mor e on this as it develops.
Please bless my mommy, my daddy,
and especially my little sister.
Please help me, Lord. Please get me through this one.
All l'm asking you is that you help me.
Thank you f or everything else in my lif e. Amen.
Good boy.
Forget something?
Good boy!
Ther e ar e girls in the house, huh?
Morning.
Good morning. l made you grilled cheese.
Ooh! My f avy.
Honey, last night was just...
Heavenly. l know. l know.
l know.
l woke up this morning and l f elt like my boobs wer e bigger.
Do they look bigger to you?
What? Your...
No.
-Bigger... -Oh, come on!
Look at them.
Please. They ar e definitely bigger.
l mean, look. They f eel huge to me.
Listen, l have to go,
but this has been the br east beck--
Br east...
Thank you.
Wher e ar e you going?
To get my job back.
Yeah, yeah
l am great
Yeah, yeah
l am...
Good grief, is that what l'm driving?
Nice car, man.
Yeah. lt gets me f rom "A" to "B."
Oh, darn.
All this horsepower and no room to gallop.
Heigh-ho, Silver, away!
Go, boy! Get him!
l wouldn't want to be a f ugitive on the run with Hank,
Buff alo's number-one police dog, on the job.
This is Phil Sidleman f rom the Canine Training Center,
Channel 5 News.
Cut it.
Look what the cat coughed up.
Channel 7, right? You'r e the guy that went crazy.
l had a bad moment.
What ar e you doing her e?
-Just looking f or a story. -Ther e's no story her e.
This pond is all fished out.
Standard stuff anyway.
l don't know.
My instinct tells me ther e's mor e.
Go with that.
lt served you well in the past, right?
Hank f ound something!
Hey, we got a body!
-Over her e! -What is it?
Shit! Get the camera! Now!
lt's locked! The keys ar e inside!
l guess every dog has his day.
-Hey, you wanna make 10 bucks? -Sur e.
You know how to use one of these?
Duh!
Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.
The body of Jimmy Hoff a was uncover ed in a field today
outside of a canine training center in Buff alo, New York.
Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.
Thank you, Jane.
As you can see, the body is being car ef ully exhumed
and will be transported to a f acility
wher e DNA testing can confirm the identity,
that, however, mer ely a f ormality at this point,
as in a bizarr e twist,
the body was buried with a birth certificate
and complete set of dental r ecords.
l'd call that a r ed-letter day f or any canine unit,
but was that enough f or old Hank?
No, sirr ee.
Moments later, he busted a local news camera cr ew
with 220 pounds of marijuana.
l never saw it bef or e!
l swear!
l'm Bruce Nolan,
and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Yeah! Did you like that?
Oh, yes! Thank you.
-You'r e the man! -Thank you.
-Hi, Bruce. -Oh. Hi, Susan.
Good work. l'm impr essed.
Jack, did you need me?
-Just the man l want to see. -Hey.
Hoff a. What ar e the odds of that?
-Bruce, why don't you sit down? -Okay.
l'm gonna be straight with you.
We want you back, Bruce, but l want you to understand
it was not my decision to let you go.
When the big guy gives the order...
No harm, no f oul, Jack.
l needed to r eassess my goals, get in touch with my true self.
-You did that in a day? -lmagine what l could do with 7.
Bruce, it is not in my power to give you anchor.
As f ar as field r eporting goes, if you'r e looking f or a bump...
Let's just cut the crap and get down to brass tacks her e.
l'm kidding with you.
You.
l had you going ther e, Jackie.
Don't even worry about it, my old f riend.
You just give me a camera, Jack. l'll give you the news.
My secr et is that l let the jalapeños marinate
in a spicy sauce f or at least 2 4 hours
bef or e l stir it into the chili.
Then l let it all come to a simmer.
Hold that thought, Hazel.
lt seems as if an asteroid or some kind of meteorite
has just hit ground
right outside the Mark Twain Chili Cook-Off.
This should certainly spice things up a bit.
His stories ar e all over town.
From unearthing Jimmy Hoff a.
To a meteor crashing to Earth.
Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as...
And that's the way the cookie crumbles!
This was Bruce's idea?
He said he wanted me to have a day of beauty
and luxurious ser enity.
l got to tell you, he is r eally impr essing me lately.
You know wher e he's taking me to dinner tonight?
Wher e?
The Blue Palm?
Oh, my gosh. l just got chills.
l know.
And he told me to pr epar e
f or the most memorable night of our entir e lives.
Oh, my gosh.
Grace, he's gonna propose.
No, stop it!
No, he... Really?
Yeah, r eally.
You do the math.
He sends you to a beauty spa,
he's taking you to the most romantic r estaurant
wher e you had your first date. Hello!
l never thought l'd say this, but Bruce is right.
This is your big night. Relax and enjoy it.
Oh, God.
Welcome to "Eyewitness News at 6:00"
with Susan Ortega,
Evan Baxter, Fr ed Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather,
and now, Buff alo's number-one news team.
Welcome to "Eyewitness News at 6:00." l'm Susan Ortega.
And l'm Evan Baxter, and her e's what's making news.
A potential scandal with the Buff alo P.D.
surf aced when the mayor
demanded that...
When the mayor demanded that the chief...
When the mayor demanded that the chief of...
As a r esponse to allegations...
l'm sorry. l seem to have something stuck in my...
Somebody get him some water.
lt looks like my new co-anchor may need water.
Sorry about that.
ln other news,
the prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,
and my tiny little nipples went to France.
What did he just say? Check the prompter.
The prompter's fine.
Evan, r ead the copy, please.
The copy's good. Just r ead it.
The White House r eception committee
gr eeted the prime rib roast minister,
and l do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.
l lika do...
da cha-cha.
l'm sorry.
We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
ln other news...
My apologies.
lf l ruled the world
Every day would be the first day of spring
Every heart would have a new song to sing
And we'd sing of the joy every morning would bring
lf l ruled the world
Every man would be f ree as a bird
-May l? -Certainly.
Every voice would be a voice to be heard
lt's perf ect.
She'll love it.
We would treasure each day that occurs
You know, l was gonna...
l was gonna wait until after the meal,
but it's gonna burst out of me like an alien
if l don't do it now.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Okay.
This is it, isn't it?
l don't know if l'm r eady f or this.
l'm r eady. l just didn't know if l would...
l didn't think l would... l'm sorry. Go on.
l didn't know this was so important to you.
Me neither.
Every man would say the world...
Yes?
l got anchor.
Yes.
Appar ently, it wasn't working out with Evan,
so he's gonna finish out the week,
and l go live on Monday.
That's gr eat, honey.
-Gr eat. -l know. l know.
Wow.
So, that's what this is all about.
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
Grace, we got anchor.
Jack's throwing me a party at the Vanderbilt estate
to celebrate.
-What's the matter? -Nothing.
Now l lay me down to sleep.
l pray the Lord my soul to keep.
l just f eel stupid.
-lt is kind of loud in her e. -No, it's not loud.
Jeez! Can you keep it down to a dull roar?
-What ar e you... -Thank you!
ls that supposed to be f unny?
'Cause that is not f unny.
-What ar e you saying? -What is wrong? Stop yelling.
Grant me the winning numbers in this weekend's...
Can you ex cuse me? l think l'll take a trip to the...
Our f ather, who art in...
The wine is going right through me!
l'm sorry. l'm so sorry. l'm sorry.
-Keep going, Tony! You'r e gr eat! -Oh, God.
-Forgive me. -Please give me the str ength.
What is going on her e?
Ugh! What is this?
Give me a br eak!
Really something, isn't it?
ls this heaven?
No. This is Mt. Ever est.
You should flip on the Discovery Channel f rom time to time.
But l guess you can't now,
being dead and all.
l'm dead?
Nah. l'm just messing with you.
That's not f unny, man!
That is not f unny!
Okay.
What about the voices in my head?
ls that part of the hilarity?
No. Those ar e prayers.
You keep ignoring them, they'r e gonna build up on you.
But it's just noise.
l can't understand them.
You'r e not listening, son.
Let's see.
You've had my powers f or a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
You know, l took car e of a f ew things.
l righted a f ew wrongs in my own lif e first, okay?
l was gonna help the others.
l think l could help the world.
The world?
That wasn't the world.
That was just Buff alo between 57th Str eet and Commonwealth.
l didn't want to start you off with mor e than you can handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce, so l suggest you get to it.
Seeing him smile would make me so happy.
Prayers, prayers. Okay, prayers.
This cr eepy whisper thing has to end!
Organization and management. That's what l need.
l need a system, something concr ete.
Concentrate.
Files.
Let all prayers be organized into files.
That takes car e of the voices.
Not exactly a space-saver, though.
Grace might notice.
l know! Prayer post-its!
Okay, l need something with a lock.
Security, combination, password.
Password.
Yahweh!
You've got prayers.
Welcome to the r evelation superhighway.
We bless, no mess.
Downloading now.
lt's good. lt's good.
This is gonna take a while.
1,527,503 prayer r equests.
l better manif est some coff ee.
Juan Valdez.
Now, that's f r esh mountain-grown coff ee
f rom the hills of Colombia.
That's good. Good!
Okay, l had to have made some kind of a dent by now.
Oh, come on!
What a bunch of whiners.
This is gonna suck up my whole lif e.
You know what?
Yes to all.
Yeah. Ther e you go.
Now everybody's happy.
l'll drink to that.
My tech stocks tripled in 5 days.
You know something, Joe? You seem taller.
l am!
My daughter pitched a no-hitter.
l lost 47 pounds on the Krispy Kr eme diet.
Hey, ther e he is! The man of the hour.
Bless you, bless all of you.
Be f ruitf ul and do long division or something!
Hey, try that. lt's an ex cellent year.
Hey, Bruce! Who do you like in the game tonight?
l like the Sabr es. Coach prays a lot.
Okay!
And l hear it in the windy storm
And l feel it in the icy dawn
God gave me everything l want
Oh, come on
l'll give it all to you
God gave me everything l want
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace, and Sam. Leave a message.
Grace, ar e you ther e?
Hello? lt's me.
Hello? Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello?
Come on, Grace. Come to the party.
l'll call you later, okay?
Come on, Sam.
l can't stop, l can't stop
l'm still looking
Help me out her e.
Oh, Sam, don't. Come on.
lf l told you, it might not come true.
What is it you want, Mary?
You want the moon?
Just say the word and l'll throw a lasso around it
and pull it down.
Hey, that's a pr etty good idea.
l'll give you the moon, Mary.
l'll take it.
Then what?
Then you could swallow it,
and it'll all dissolve, see?
The moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers
and your toes and the ends of your hair.
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace, and Sam.
Hi, Bruce.
What ar e you doing in her e all alone?
Oh, l was just gonna...
Oh, l mean...
l was gonna give Grace a call.
Yeah, l didn't see her in ther e.
How ar e you and Grace doing?
Well, actually, we had a bit of a fight.
Kind of not sur e if she's...
You'r e on fir e, Bruce.
Yeah.
Some women can't handle fir e.
Some can.
That's inter esting
'cause l never thought we would ever talk...
You might want to stop touching me now.
Grace, come her e!
This is so weird. l was just calling you.
What, and you thought Susan's mouth was the phone?
She kissed me. l'm the kissee.
You wer e putting up a r eally big fight.
l tried to fight her off, but she's r eally strong.
l scr ewed up. Can l make it up to you?
Yeah! Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce?
-What? -Yeah, a big boat.
And two big bags of cash.
Then l'll be happy.
Lots of money and lots of stuff!
Other people want crap like getting married
or having babies with the man they've loved f or 5 years.
Not me, Bruce. Just give me the boat.
No wonder you stayed single!
Grace, don't do this.
l'm not doing this. l'm undoing it.
l'll be at Debbie's.
Take car e of Sam until l can make arrangements.
You can't leave me.
l'm the alpha, lady.
l'm the omega, baby!
Okay, fine. l don't need you.
What's the matter, Bruce?
She can't handle a little competition?
The game's been called on account of rain.
An unusually high number of lottery winners
has New York officials concerned.
So f ar, 1,100 winning tickets have been turned in,
all strangely f rom the Buff alo ar ea.
Mor e on this story as it develops.
Enjoying your party?
Nothing like spending quality time with f riends, huh?
Grace left me.
Yeah, l know.
She'll take me back.
She'll take me back, right?
Would you take you back?
How do you make somebody love you without aff ecting f r ee will?
Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know.
Rise and shine.
lt's 70 and sunny and the perf ect day to f orgive Bruce.
l don't know much
But l know l love you
Bye.
Have f un.
Hi. Can l get a small coff ee to go?
Sur e, hon. Just a second.
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Order today, and we'll throw in, at no extra charge,
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Just dial 1 -900-4GlV-HlM.
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Do it now.
Oh, honey, no. Don't put that in your mouth.
Don't eat that. That's not f ood.
Go to the bathroom, please.
Wash out your mouth. Wash off your hands.
God, l swear that kid is gonna poop an ornament.
One mor e time. You'r e gonna be in a lot of trouble.
All right, that's it. That's it.
Hi.
l surr ender.
-Hi. -Hi.
l'm doing my first anchor tonight.
Oh, wow. That's gr eat.
So how have you been doing?
-Good. -Yeah?
Yeah, good.
Just...
Debbie won the lottery.
Oh, yeah? You'r e kidding.
But l guess so did 400,000 other people,
so she only won $ 17 or something.
l miss you.
Okay.
l took a first step, jumped out on the ledge.
Feeling pr etty vulnerable, too.
l don't know what to say.
Say you love me and want me back.
No, Bruce.
What about all the signs?
How did you know about that?
Did you talk to Debbie?
Would it help if l just said that l was a complete ass?
You said "ass."
lt's okay if l'm talking about a donkey.
l didn't say "hole."
-lf l said ass-- -No, wait.
Okay, you know what? Let's go inside.
All right, everybody inside. Time to go inside.
Please.
None of this seems right without you.
Yeah, l got to go.
Wait!
How do you f eel now?
Have you completely lost your mind?
What? Ar e you drunk?
Yeah, l'm drunk. Drunk with power.
Love me.
Love me!
l did.
Yeah, l know. Fr ee will.
Oh, God.
Mor e power outages r eported today
caused by last week's meteorite strike.
Officials ar e desperately trying to r epair several transf ormers
damaged by the ensuing electrical surge.
The scene nearly turned violent
when hundr eds of disgruntled Buff alo r esidents
protested last week's lottery r esults.
And doomsayers ar e pointing to last week's celestial events
as signs that prophesy is now being f ulfilled,
and the world as we know it may be coming to an end.
The world's gone mad.
-Bruce, 30 seconds to air. -Okay.
Ther e you ar e. lt's your big debut.
How ar e you f eeling?
You know what?
l'm fine, never better.
Show must go on, right?
The Sabr es just won the Stanley Cup.
You'r e kidding me!
Was that tonight? That's gr eat, isn't it?
lt's getting pr etty crazy out ther e.
We'r e gonna kick live to Fr ed at the stadium.
5 seconds to the open.
This is it.
-You r eady? -Born that way.
Welcome to "Eyewitness News at 6:00"
with Susan Ortega,
Bruce Nolan, Fr ed Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather.
And now Buff alo's number-one news team.
-l'm Susan Ortega. -l'm Bruce Nolan.
And her e's what's making news.
What the hell happened?
-We lost power. -Transf ormer's down again.
Oh, jeez. Ever since that damn meteorite hit...
We'r e back up.
We apologize f or the interruption.
Now back to the news.
-Thank you, Susan. -l'm sorry.
We'r e going live to HSBC Ar ena,
wher e the Buff alo Sabr es have won the Stanley Cup.
-Gr eat. -Fr ed.
We'r e about to uncork champagne
because the Sabr es have won their first championship
in 22 years!
What in the blue blazes?
We'll be back with the Sabr es' victory
in just a hot second.
ln other news...
Bloody hell!
-What is it now? -The booth is down.
lt's not!
ln other news, fighting erupted in the Gaza Strip today,
as lsraelis and Palestinians...
What?
We've got a situation.
They'r e rioting outside the station.
You'r e kidding.
The whole town has gone crazy.
Come on, Bruce. Say something.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this just in.
Possibly,
the biggest br eaking news story this town has ever seen.
And l got to go.
l'm sorry, Jack.
Susan, it's all yours.
Sabr es!
Sabr es rule!
Down with the lottery!
Repent! The end is near! Repent!
Come back!
You come back her e!
The lottery sucks!
l only won 17 bucks!
Channel 7 blows!
Oh, no!
God!
God?
Ar e you her e?
Hello?
l need your help!
Clap on. Clap on!
Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!
Figur es!
Well, hello, ther e, Bruce Almighty.
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son?
This God business?
They'r e all out of control.
lt's mayhem. l don't know what to do.
Well, you'r e right on time.
7 :00.
The 7th at 7 :00.
All righty, then.
Ther e we ar e.
lt's good. lt's good.
lt's a wonderf ul thing.
No matter how filthy something gets,
you can always clean it right up.
Ther e wer e so many.
l just gave them what they wanted.
Yeah.
But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
So what do l do?
Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce.
lt's a magic trick.
Yeah.
A single mom who's working 2 jobs
and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice.
That's a miracle.
A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education.
That's a miracle.
People want me to do everything f or them,
and what they don't r ealize is, they have the power.
You want to see a miracle, son?
Be the miracle.
Wait. Ar e you leaving?
Yeah, l figur e you can handle things now.
But what if l need you? What if l have questions?
That's your problem, Bruce.
That's everybody's problem.
You keep looking up.
Order has been r estor ed
after this evening's downtown riot.
State officials have suspended all lottery sales,
pending f urther investigation.
No injuries wer e r eported in the melee.
However ther e wer e dozens of arr ests.
Okay.
Well, thanks a million.
Oh, not a problem.
God bless.
Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away.
You don't like it?
"Megabite" me.
l suppose you'r e her e to gloat about the anchor position.
Go ahead. Take your best shot.
Well, actually, l...
l just came to tell you that l've been a royal prick.
The anchor position is yours. l turned down the job.
And l never r eally congratulated you in the first place.
Congratulations.
Thanks, Bruce.
ln the financial world, things ar e settling back to normal
in what analysts ar e calling a fluke market fluctuation.
You made the right move.
So, what about you?
Ar e you r eady to go back out ther e?
And do the cutesy stuff, the lighter side of the news,
lower and debase myself f or the amusement of total strangers?
Yeah, l could do that.
Sounds like f un.
Good.
Okay, let's do it right, like all the other dogs.
l don't want to make you f eel bad,
but they'r e laughing at you, pal.
Come on, concentrate.
Her e you go. Come on, pump it out if you have to.
What am l gonna do with you?
l know this seems kind of crazy,
but desperate times call f or desperate measur es.
Okay.
Okay, Sammy, do your thing.
That's it. That's it. Good boy!
Training my dog.
Yes! We did it! We did it!
Bow-wow-wow. Yippee yo, yippee yay!
We'r e doing it doggystyle!
l'll alert "Penthouse Forum."
Hi, Deb. How ar e you?
How's Grace?
l didn't come to chat, okay?
l came f or Grace's stuff.
You need...
No, it's okay. l've got it.
l don't know if she...
l don't know if she wants that or not.
This is f ull.
You did all this?
You know what l do bef or e l go to bed?
l tuck my kids in,
maybe have a scoop of ice cr eam and watch "Conan."
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time f or you.
Find Grace Connelly.
The woman does pray a lot.
Find Grace and Bruce.
"Dear God, please help Bruce find himself,
find contentment, find you."
"Dear God, please help Bruce. He seems to be struggling."
"Dear God, give Bruce str ength."
"Dear God, bless Bruce."
lt's her.
Sammy, it's her. She's logging on.
She's praying right now.
Please, God.
Please.
l still love him.
But l don't want to love him anymor e.
l don't want to hurt anymor e.
Please help me f orget.
Please help me let him go.
You win!
l'm done!
Please!
l don't want to do this anymor e.
l don't want to be God.
l want you to decide what's right f or me.
l surr ender to your will!
Am l...
You can't kneel in the middle of a highway
and live to talk about it, son.
But why?
Why now?
you have the divine spark.
You have the gift f or bringing joy and laughter to the world.
l know. l cr eated you.
Quit bragging.
See? That's what l'm talking about.
That's the spark.
What do you want me to do?
l want you to pray, son.
Go ahead. Use them.
Lord, f eed the hungry,
and bring peace to
all of mankind.
How's that?
Gr eat, if you want to be Miss America.
Now, come on.
What do you r eally car e about?
You want her back?
No.
l want her to be happy.
No matter what that means.
l want her to find someone
who will tr eat her
with all the love
she deserved f rom me.
l want her to meet someone...
...who will see her always
as l do now...
...through your eyes.
Now, that's a prayer.
Yeah?
Yeah.
lt's good.
l'm gonna get right on it.
Clear!
That didn't f eel very good.
Clear!
Got a rhythm!
All right, l got a pulse.
-Let's load him up. -Get the backboard and brace.
Welcome back.
You'r e lucky to be alive, son.
Someone up ther e must like you.
l hear that stuff winds up in a war ehouse somewher e.
Hi, baby.
Oh, my God. Look at you.
l was such an idiot.
lt's okay. lt's okay.
l don't know what l would've done.
Oh, God.
l swear l wanted to be mad at you f or ever.
Now you'r e just showing off.
This is Bruce Nolan
at Buff alo's first annual "Be The Miracle" blood drive.
lt's a B-E-A-utif ul day.
So come on down, because the lif e you save could be mine.
Let's go over her e, wher e the Kowolskis
have baked a very special cookie f or this occasion.
Sur e, it's a little cr eepy and a shameless plug,
but we love them.
Thank you, Mama. Vol, finger, nose.
l will have given blood twice this week.
For those of you who haven't heard,
l'd like to introduce you to the f utur e Mrs. Ex clusive.
Grace Connelly.
Ther e she is.
Look at her!
lsn't she beautif ul?
She gave blood and still has enough left
to fill up her f ace.
Yes, behind every gr eat man,
ther e's a woman rolling her eyes, f olks.
l'm Bruce Nolan f or "Eyewitness News"
with all the f olks at the blood drive, r eminding you to...
Be the miracle!
You heard them.
Okay, cut it. Thank you, Bruce.
Thanks, Ally.
Hey.
-How was that? -That was gr eat.
-Yeah? -That was r eally gr eat.
You have to go ther e. The nurse is waiting.
Do l have to?
lt's not gonna hurt.
l think you'll find it quite pleasurable.
Ooh, baby.
Who can take a rainbow,
wrap it in a sock?
Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie.
Oompa.
Loompa.
Doopa.
Oh, jeez.
l'm sorry.
l'm a very rar e blood type. l am A.B. positive.
Sounds delicious.
Yeah, well, ther e ar e stor ehouses all over the world.
All over the...
With tons of stuff on ice, and it's...
-Sorry. -You wer e like this.
Okay.
Positive. l.B. positive. Okay, sorry.
l have a "r ery"...
She has a "r ery."
They need my blood.
l have a very rar e blood type. l'm A.B. negative.
l'm l.B. positive.
Am l A.B. negative?
l don't know what you ar e anymor e.
l'm gonna need a f rigging miracle to get to work on time.
Oh, shit.
Did that one work?
Other stories in the...
The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,
and in other...
ln other...
ln other news...
l'm Bruce Nolan f or "Eyewitness No--"
"Eyewitness Nose." Okay.
And clear.
Be the miracle!
That's right.